I had a dream

about Mich & Cinnamon Brown. We ran into one another somewhere & you were both lovely, inside & out!

A special thanks to désespérée de maigrir for showing your concern, & I am doing okay.

This has probably been my longest break from blogger. My spring class ended, full time work began, fundraising for my volunteer exchange takes up time, & summer activities took over!

Those excuses are not good enough for me, though. Here is my main excuse: things have gotten complicated with the man & I feel bad for always taking up your time talking about it. I never know how much I should share & how much I should just deal with on my own.

I'll give you a summary (and recap that I've loved him for four years, he's about 30 years older than me & he has a common law girlfriend) : he's visited my work about three times this summer already & one of my fundraising events where he made a very kind donation. That's quite often, considering that I haven't seen most of my friends that many times this month! every minute with him has been fantastic with our compelling conversations & enjoyable laughs.

The second time he visited he told me his girlfriend was away for the night. At the end of our talk, he suggested that I come over & watch the football game or a movie I had just lent him ("Black Swan" of all fucking films! recall the teacher & girl relationship!). Of course I wanted to but I just can't do that to him & his relationship! So i said no quite unwillingly.

After my date with this other guy that evening, I spent my time in solitude. Getting super drunk, listening to Bob Seger underneath the stars, & chain smoking the night away. The following night was a repeat. There is nothing I want more than to spend the night with him, but I just cannot do that to him. I just cannot. It was painful.

So I am going to back track now. immediately after he had asked me to come over & then left my work, I panicked that my boss had heard him asking me out. I ended up telling my boss about how this teacher is my replacement father, yada yada yada, then we had a nice little discussion about the shitty father's we have had. it's my excuse that i tell other people for our close relationship. Being that my boss is a talker, I'm pretty sure he spoke to my man about the father replacement thing, since I had a day off & my man dropped by on that day too.

Well, the next time my man came to visit, he asked if he could bring his girlfriend to the museum. They would tour & I would finally meet her. I got pissed off, of course, but hid it & said that would be fine.

I do not want to meet her! of all people, she is going to be the one who would see how I feel about him. I am so nervous about this. I meet her in two days. What do I say? how do i act? what do i do? I am freaking out over this. one day he invites me over & the next he's bringing his girlfriend. i am so confused. what the hell am i too him? what is he thinking? Im freaking out. what do I do?

There, i just wrote a novel for you, after saying that i don't want to bother you all with my issues. i guess that's what happens when i take a break, I soon explode! thanks for listening that far if you did.

Body wise things have been horrible. I exercise maybe 30 mins a day, and usually even out to a NORMAL intake. a word we all despise, I am sure. A week and a half ago I went to the capital city for my friend's birthday & felt disgusting in every shopping mall mirror & window reflection I looked in. I always feel disgustingly fat in that city. i don't know what it is about that damn place. I am about the same weight as my friends, but I used to be pounds lighter! I cannot really vent to them about my body issues since I would be criticizing them as well, indirectly of course. I need to get on track with eating & exercise NOW blogger friends!

Thank you all for reading! i hope your July is going well. remember to enjoy the flowers & stars & sunrises, & even the rain! you are all gorgeous people. i adore each & every one of you!