Happy New Year

Happy New Year fellow Bloggers! 

Well, needless to say (as I've begun many of my posts during the last year this way), I have been an awful blogger. I have so much catching up to do! And just when I thought I was back on track in November, Uni finals came along, then I scrambled during the holidays, and I have no excuse for the past few weeks. I cannot wait to see what you ladies have been keeping busy with.

My busyness has actually surrounded boys. Things have certainly changed.

I went home (to the lovely prairies) for Christmas - I had an entire month off! I spent my time with family & friends, working, and painting. Well, we all know who painting included (man I've been in love with for over 5 years, my art teacher). I saw him five times before the break, to get art supplies a couple of times and to visit the other times. The visits were only at the school. We did not go for drinks that time & I did not go to his place. Over the holidays we did not see each other, though we did continue emailing. I was thinking about slowing things down with him (less communication), but I just could not do it.

Then, before I flew, I met him at the school to return the art supplies. I had been painting until really late, so my mind was in crazy creative mode & I was super sleepy. I could not think on the spot! We had a personal talk, we usually do, but this crossed the line from personal about him and me separately, to us together. He said things like that he loves me, & will be jealous if he sees me with somebody else, & that he can tell me things he cannot even tell his girlfriend or himself!! I was flattered but confused by all of this and felt so awful for his lady. He is already with someone; why tell me all of this?

That evening I sent him an email saying that I have loved him for years, but that I didn't want him to compromise his relationship with her because of me, and I didn't want to cross any lines that should not be crossed - and that we need to figure out what those lines are. (So the past couple weeks have been crazy with emails!!) He wrote that he did not know I felt that way about him (I thought he did, oops!!), and sent me a 12 page document saying how he felt over the years, why he likes me, etc. I fell apart when he said his relationship with his girlfriend is great and they have no communication issues and that he loves her. I mean, I want that, I really do for him - I want him to be happy with her - she is kind and friendly and age-appropriate! But, subconsciously, I wanted to be with him I guess.

SO I spent the weekend drinking away, smoking away and writing away (I wrote this poem about a painting and was in such a weird mindset it felt like I was IN the painting!!). I was a mess. I couldn't even carry around my body. I just didn't want to be.

I thought I would be like that for weeks, months, forever (little dramatic teenage self is revived). I told myself that I could have two weeks of moping around and being useless, but, within a few days (not 14 days like I had given myself), I snapped out of it. It's weird. It usually take me so long to get over something - especially this - but I am okay now. I think I spent over five years in the relationship that I didn't understand, where I felt guilty for what I felt, where I was constantly meeting and leaving him - that I have broken up with him time and time again. So I guess I'm used to it? Maybe I just threw myself into school, like I usually do. It might come back - my moping period may return. But for now, I'll take my stability!! So we've emailed a few more times. Basically, I told him I want to have less communication so we can both be present in the actual places we are living in. He was upset by this but he said that if that's what I want then he can follow through. I guess I just have to fall out of love with him - or transform it, to love him in a different way. Anyway, I haven't emailed him back since last week. I'll probably send something at the end of the month. I miss him. But I cannot keep waiting and dreaming and not being active in my own life!!

Meanwhile there's been this other boy. Yes, a boy (only two years older than me this time - a baby in comparison!!) 

A couple of days after writing my last post, I went to my roommate's cousin's dinner party. Everyone was French there, some could speak some pretty good English. Good for them for trying! It was a lot of fun and I was happy to be included even though my lack of French made me a bit of an outsider. It was a whirl of a night -with me trying to keep up with everything. There was a boy there - he was mysterious. And while everyone else was laughing at superficial jokes, he remained stoic. He has this melancholic essence around him. I like it. It helps us bond, and we seem to lift each other, like two sad people make one happy pair. Anyway, after the dinner party, my roommate said that boy "had eyes for" me. I shook my head, but said he seemed great though there's no hope, I didn't even know his name!

The following day he added me on Facebook. He had to do some crazy detective work for that I think. I wasn't Friends with my roommates cousin, and he didn't even remember my roommate's name. Anyway, I ended up being his 148th friend. (I know, I know, Facebook - but hey, it's the world we live in). 

We went out for a drink and it was great - we really bonded! Then we hung out a couple of times. His apartment is on the top of the building, and we stepped out onto the roof and could see all of Montreal - with the mountain behind us. Incredible. Even though it was finals, we spent a lot of time together. 

And a week and a half after we met, I flew home for the holidays.

When I returned we started meeting up more and more. He said the month without me was long. We have had fun together - cuddling with movies, walking and exploring through the streets, smoking shisha in cafes, making out in an alley near Mont Royal . . . 

I like him. I do. BUT this "relationship" or whatever is definitely more on the physical side. I just broke off my emotional affair that's been happening for the last five plus years, I just feel like I cannot love anyone else. 

I feel awful that I cannot give him what he deserves. I just cannot put everything into someone else right now. I'm terrified of getting hurt again on an emotional level. It takes me a really long time before I can trust someone. And I just feel like my heart is gone - not even broken - it just isn't there anymore. 

BUT I am excited to have someone around that I like spending time with. He is intelligent and says adorable things, and has great taste in music and movies, and he likes traveling, and he's realistic. And he has a wonderful personality. I want to give him a chance.

More to this, though. I am thinking of having sex with him soon. The thing is that, sex (by the way this would be my first time - I know I'm older but I really haven't been interested in anyone else except the other man and one other boy when I was sixteen), at least, the way I perceive it, should be about sharing something. In my case - yes, I like him. I want our relationship to develop. But at the same time, I feel like I would be having sex more for "me" than for "us." 

I feel like this new boy has made me realize (this sounds ridiculous but) that I am an adult & have a body. And that I don't have to feel guilty about what it wants. That I can use it to create art, and to taste food, and to communicate with people on so many different levels. (Pretty big realization that this boy has given me!) I don't have to be ashamed. 

That being said, I feel like I haven't had sex because I've been afraid for so many complex reasons: (in no particular order):

1. Showing off my body

2. Pain

3. Getting pregnant

4. Getting an STI

5. Feeling attached to someone

6. Getting abandoned by someone

7. Not being enough

8. Loving more than the other person will

9. Intimacy issues

10. Maybe some of these blend together - but my main fear is grounded in Psychological Fears. Ohh and a big one - feeling like an object as a woman!!!

I guess, I may want to have sex in order to get over these fears.

But is that the right reason? I mean, yes, I like him. But shouldn't "he and I" be the number one reason to have sex? Not "me" trying to get over fears and actually let someone in (arg, I mean that in an emotional sense hah!) 

(Also - another piece that is inside my head - his birthday is on February 14, and I don't want to feel like I'm just doing it for him - I guess that ties back to the object thing. I want to do it for us. Or for me. So it would happen in the next few days. This makes me sound so childish though! Planning with ungrounded logic! Shouldn't it be in the moment???) 

On a whole, I feel like I am ready to do this. The physical part. It's just the emotional part that needs to be figured out. 

I know this makes me sound sixteen, but I am kind of starting from there. I am starting over in so many ways. Starting over, heartless.

(By the way, I am getting this body back in shape! I might be tracking progress here or on Tumblr. I will keep you all posted too!)

Thanks for taking the time to read this! I will catch up on yours! And recommend any new blogs that you're enjoying too. Love ya long time!!

Question of Normalcy

I had an appointment with my counselor today, three weeks since our last (and simultaneously, first appointment). 

He is very understanding. He acknowledged that my anxiety is higher than levels of most people, and he gave me a couple of tips to help with that ie. breathing tips, imagining unnecessary worries dropping into a river & floating away. What I also liked was that he challenged me and forced me to challenge myself - I said I had no idea where I was going with my studies & that something will pop up. He said "no" and that I have create something & start looking into things. I have to become active in planning my opportunity. I like that. I like that assertion. 

What I don't like, is how he makes me feel normal. I know, I know, a lot of people probably go to him, wanting to feel like they're not alone in their problems. In a twisted way, I want to feel alone in this darkness. I do NOT want to believe that my best friend wakes up every morning, questioning if she wants to live today or not. I mean, yes, we probably all do that at some point. But for years, like I have been? I sure to hell hope not. And yes, I'll admit, suicide may cross most of our minds, as he said, but is it really a tangible option to everyone? It doesn't seem that way. What I'm saying is, I don't want the state I am in to be "normal." If it is, that frightens me beyond relief! That means that this state is normal, that it will sustain, that it will always be there - maybe not constantly, but it will appear in intervals. What is the point of struggling and struggling to get out of it, if it's just waiting for you once you have a brief breath of fresh air. That also means that people I care about are having these thoughts as well. I know, some of them probably are, but if they're as low as me, I'm terrified that they might just do something about those thoughts - something destructive. If we all do feel this way, then why aren't we going around yelling & screaming? Why are we smiling & saying we're fine? Why are we isolating ourselves? 

I feel like this is a place where we're all screaming. That blogger is full of people, alone & in the darkness. Yet in this place, we are together, seeing some sort of light. In this place, maybe darkness is normal. But out there, in the real world, is it really? 

The Coincidence

As I was browsing the New York Times on my phone today - reading about the torrid affair between CIA director Petraeus & Paula Broadwell - guess who phoned???

Mhm, him.

For the last two and a half months we've been keeping in touch via email. Today I heard the sound of his voice. It was an innocent conversation . . . except for him expression of excitement over seeing me soon, and calling me "sweetie."

Some may look at Broadwell & think . . . homewrecker.
Others may say . . . scandalous, that gives us something to talk about.
Me? . . . relatable.

Thanks for the lovely comments, ladies!! It feels wonderful to be back in the blogging world - & to be welcomed at the door! Jeanne, we will be lifting your spirits asap! And Loveylou, thanks for the wishes & your suggestion to talk - I'll be taking you up on that soon.

November twenty-twelve

One week ago, I created a new blog.

Then I scrapped it. Blogger has changed in so many ways, I could not understand the new design/settings tools starting from square one again. So, I have returned to Lovely Abyss. I am comfortable on here, with you all.

What I write on here, from now on, will be more personal than what I wrote before. I am slowly dipping back into the food/exercise scene, however, this time I have a healthier approach. The blog will focus on being a place to vent. Over the last while, I have had so many negative emotions piling up, I need to deal with them. Blogger was such an insightful way to uncover the repressed, while gaining a strong group of understanding people. I hope all is well with each & every single one of you! Feel free to say "hi" & let me know how you are!!

Where do I begin?

I returned from my volunteering in March. From there, I buried myself with work for five months: at a greasy Asian Buffet (which I despised & was happy to leave after three tortured months of working there), as a care provider (working in group homes & activities centers with people who have disabilities - such a rewarding job, I miss my coworkers/clients too much!), and painting a mural with my art teacher.

The summer was also filled with tension in my home. It was difficult to integrate back into a small Canadian town, after being gone for an intense six month period. I was dealing with a lot after that experience. And I still am. At home, the tension only grew with time - we were preparing to sell our house. Fortunately, in my opinion, the house never sold - so we will have our beautiful, partially furnished house, over Christmas at least. I'm crossing my fingers that we'll have it for a few more years. I am counting down the days until I can see it again . . . 27 more to go.

In September, I moved to Montreal.

The past week has been good. The first two months were horrible. Montreal offers so much: different people, innovative things to do, a variety of cultures, and exciting places to explore. However, I cannot get away from my "prairie girl" mentality that I have a chance of getting bombed on the metro, stabbed on the street, or robbed on St. Catherine. What can I say? My anxiety has been through the roof here. There was one moment - a yoga class - where I actually relaxed. It probably lasted only a few minutes, until the noise of the sirens came through the window. I moved here because I fell in love with the city. School was a secondary reason. I should be having the time of my life, instead, I am nervously wandering around, just trying to get by. I ALMOST moved back home a little while ago. But I have better health services here, I am really adoring my program, and I simply hate giving up.

I am trying to make the most of it, don't get me wrong. I'm reaching out to different groups, trying to meet people. I've wandered around the city, exploring different pieces. And I have had some great moments here. Things will improve. I hope.

Back to last year . . . you know what I realized as I fell asleep last night? That all three of my GIANT worries about my volunteer experience came true. To begin, I was scared that someone I love would die (both my Baba & my grandfather did). Then, I feared that I would be hurt or killed (this one not so much - though I was sick during the three months abroad). And, I was terrified that I either would not change after the experience, or that I would change in a negative way (there is no simple way to put this, the experience ruined me - don't get me wrong, I was with wonderful host families & my group - but something - a spark - inside me is now gone).

My roommate is actually from my volunteer group. She adores the program, is involved in promoting it, & always has a grin when she reminisces over our experience. I have to look away, think about something else. There are so many pieces of it that I've repressed. And so many pieces that return to haunt me.

My final subject. The most incredible time this past summer was with my art teacher. Mhm, him. Things have escalated between us. I cannot even look at other men. It's been five and a half years of me feeling this way, I cannot help it.

The other day - election day to be exact, yeah, Canadians DO care about the USA elections - I told my friend that I'm unsure how things will go between us over Christmas holidays. I realized we cannot move forward (anything forward would be more physical - he has a common law girlfriend - and we're pretty much borderline affair here - don't get me started on how bad/evil I feel about myself), we cannot stay where we are (there are too many emotions coming out), and we cannot move backward (we cannot slow things down or erase what has happened). I am not sure what will come of it. Believe me, I want his girl and him to be together. I know what the right thing is to do. To walk away. I cannot, though. I cannot think rationally in this situation.

SO that night, however, my friend had me considering breaking things off with him. I googled around that evening, reading horror stories about how awful it is to be considered the "other woman" or the "homewrecker." I spent the next while thinking of leaving him. Honestly, in the last four years, the only time I am happy is when I am with him.

Trust me, I am not the type of person who likes to rely on people, or tie them to happiness. It just happened. It just happens.

What I realized, after analyzing my thoughts, was that I wouldn't be leaving him to "leave him." I would leave him to hurt myself. As said above, this past week has been good. Stable. I've felt okay. And what do I do when I feel okay? I have to bring back the hurt in one way or another. And so, the most painful thing for me to do would be breaking it off, and that's what I thought of. This blog should be called: tales of a masochist. It's a painful realization (no pun intended).

That's a quick re-cap of where I am at. I cannot wait to get back in blogger mode & read some of your posts!! Share some of your new favourite blogs with me as well!

-With love

Hello my Lovely followers

Hi every one!! I want to give a quick update on how things are going. My first three months into the program have been incredible. The city is welcoming, the people are friendly, and my self-growth is taking off! We go abroad next week already!

Christmas songs & decorations make me feel down, since I will not be home for the season. I did set up the tree & have some egg nog with my family, however, when I returned to my province for a short amount of time. Sadly, my dear Baba passed away in November. It was difficult to be away while she was ill, and even moreso when she died. At least I got to travel home & be with my loved ones during our tough times.

I am excited to go abroad! Of course, one of my main worries is food - therefore how much weight I will gain while away. I've gained between five to ten pounds over the past three months. It's disgusting. On the plus side, I haven't binged - except when I got word about the funeral and one other time - but I have been eating loads. My host mother is an incredible cook, so food is always available here. I have heard that the host families abroad will try to fatten us up, to make them look like good & wealthy families. Hopefully I get sick of the rice, and can survive on minimal portions. I want to lose this weight!! See you never again twenty pounds!

The people from abroad are really kind. My only issue has to do with, once again, the weight. The girl I live with is 115 pounds and short - so she's super tiny! She eats desserts for breakfast, 3 mini bags of chips a day, and loads of sweets like donuts. But she's still so small! Here I'm munching on salad & counting my bread products every day!! The thing is, she lets us know how big we are. She's said that I'm fat, that I should sit in the front of the car because I'm big, etc. I know it's a different culture, but give me a break! I'm the same size as some of her friends. And realistically, at 130-135 pounds, I'm really not that ginormous for 5' 7.5" Not like she says I am. Here are my thoughts: I'm finally at a place with my body where I'm eating healthy types & amounts of food. While I am at my highest weight, at least I'm giving myself nutrition after years of deprivation. Although I'm not happy with my weight, I am happier with myself as a whole person. She is like that inner cruel voice - the one that brought me to a trouble place with food - but she actually exists! So naturally, this has affected how i interact with her. I will try to be strong through this, lose the weight a healthy way - although she makes me want to take it off like the good old way I used to - and maybe explain the differences between our cultures on body image issues.

I hope you are all doing well! Try to be positive about those admirable bodies you have!!

Farewell for the Time Being

Hello followers,

Thank you for the concerned comments, and for the wonderful advice. You truly are an incredible group of strong people.

First things first. My eating & exercise has been crazy this summer! I biked about 30 mins a day in August, and would usually walk the dog a few times a week for 30 mins each time both summer months. Nothing too intense. And I've been pigging out like you wouldn't believe. So a little while ago I stepped on the scale, expecting to weigh around 135 lbs. Not at all, I was 127.8!! I couldn't believe it! Months of healthy eating & exercising had gotten me to a plateau of 129. And after all this crap I was lower than that!! It was a nice surprise, to say the least. Though, if I had increased exercise & eaten better I would have felt a lot better now.

I leave in a couple of days. One more day at home. One and a half in the city. Then I'm gone.

My summer was busy working. Then fundraising (at dances, I had a Tea, to businesses, painting a rink to make extra money, selling & baking 50+ pies, and just getting my head in order).

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I feel like there is not enough time to prepare. And maybe that's it. Maybe there would never be enough time to prepare for an experience like this. All that would lead to is worrying. Instead, I feel I have to jump right in. Seize the experience. Six months, after all, really is not that long of a time period, considering how much I will grow as a person in that amount of time. And so I go.

I just want to thank you all for the support you have given to me over the countless months. I feel such a strong connection with you, even though it's through faceless words. You are all remarkable & considerate people & I hope this year treats you all well. Take care of yourselves.

Best wishes,
Kayla

PS I will make a note to post in six months time. talk to you again then!!

I hold onto sadness with two hands

You are too kind for checking in on me, désespérée de maigrir. 


How am I? You ask. I am scared. 


The volunteer adventure is approaching. 28 days away today. The prospect keeps me up at night. I will be away from home for 6 months. The first phase is across the country. The second is in a developing country.


This is all I have ever wanted. To help people, to see the world, to surprise myself.


Yet here I am. I am most fearful that something will happen to my loved ones (not that I could stop it, even if I was at home), that something will happen to me (I have a huge fear of being dismembered! it's from reading "Titus Andronicus"), and that I will not change or that I will change for the worst from this experience.


My last fear is one that only you all may understand. I am scared of losing my sadness. 


Sadness is my companion, my solitude, my creativity. It is me. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I do not want to lose it. I almost enjoy being sad (for no good reason, not when there is an actual occurrence to provoke this feeling). I am allowed to be sad now. And when I see the hardships that people in third world nations have to face, I will no longer have the leisure of allowance. 


I am distancing myself from my friends & family. I pull away first, before life can pull me away. 

Food is such an issue right now. I am so scared that I eat & eat & eat & eat. And I do not do anything about it. Fortunately (well, it depends how you look at it), I cannot afford a vehicle or gas, so I bike to work. It's about 30 minutes a day, including there and back. And I often walk my dog for 30 minutes a day. It's not enough. Not enough to balance out my consumption. I have to start eating better now. I say this every day. I need to follow my words right now. No more of this manic eating pattern. I have 28 days to get every thing together!