How am I? You ask. I am scared.
The volunteer adventure is approaching. 28 days away today. The prospect keeps me up at night. I will be away from home for 6 months. The first phase is across the country. The second is in a developing country.
This is all I have ever wanted. To help people, to see the world, to surprise myself.
Yet here I am. I am most fearful that something will happen to my loved ones (not that I could stop it, even if I was at home), that something will happen to me (I have a huge fear of being dismembered! it's from reading "Titus Andronicus"), and that I will not change or that I will change for the worst from this experience.
My last fear is one that only you all may understand. I am scared of losing my sadness.
Sadness is my companion, my solitude, my creativity. It is me. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I do not want to lose it. I almost enjoy being sad (for no good reason, not when there is an actual occurrence to provoke this feeling). I am allowed to be sad now. And when I see the hardships that people in third world nations have to face, I will no longer have the leisure of allowance.
I am distancing myself from my friends & family. I pull away first, before life can pull me away.
Food is such an issue right now. I am so scared that I eat & eat & eat & eat. And I do not do anything about it. Fortunately (well, it depends how you look at it), I cannot afford a vehicle or gas, so I bike to work. It's about 30 minutes a day, including there and back. And I often walk my dog for 30 minutes a day. It's not enough. Not enough to balance out my consumption. I have to start eating better now. I say this every day. I need to follow my words right now. No more of this manic eating pattern. I have 28 days to get every thing together!
OMG I love Titus Andronicus!! Aaron the Moor is my hero. <3
ReplyDeleteYou're about to have a huge change in your life--it's normal to be scared. It's good to be scared, too, I think--it forces you to think about the important things and get you better prepared and stuff... if that makes sense.
Good luck with the eating! It's so tough to eat right, but all we can do is keep trying. <3
Hope you're having a good week. xoxo
How are you holding up?
ReplyDeleteI suppose you're leaving in only a couple of weeks now. Feeling any better about this?
Mich is right, it is a huge change and it is normal to be scared. Just don't let that fear stop you! You can do this, and it might be hard, but it will make you a stronger person and leave you with great experiences.
You are going to have such an amazing time on your volunteering stint. We have very similar life goals - I am basically going through school to be able to work in humanitarian aid. Don't worry about finding something in life that is truly fulfilling and losing your sadness companion. There is more to life than that, and this might just be your great opportunity to gain perspective. As for what happens back home while you're away - be prepared for reverse culture shock when you return. People are not going through what you will be going through and most people will not be able to relate. If you can keep in contact with friends you make while away and blog and write about your experiences, it helps so much with the readjustment. When I lived abroad for six months, I came home and only other people who had lived abroad for various lengths of time really cared about my adventures. Its not that everyone else was trying to be rude, its just that they had a hard time relating. Eventually, you realize that the things you'll learn while away are worth the temporary separation in relating to your family and friends back home. Alright, enough of my rambling - if you need any other advice, please email me (sshoemakerAThotmailDOTcom)
ReplyDeleteHey lady, how are you doing? Hope things are going ok. <3
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