I cannot believe

how fat I have allowed myself to become. I was supposed to severely restrict this entire week and I could not last a day. What sort of animal have I become?

Here is motivation

Hello lovelies,

Mich, I repeated your statement in my mind that entire Thursday morning "polite and pleasant but not overly friendly." And thanks Cinnamon, I needed to hear that.

Meeting HIS girlfriend at the museum went as well as it could. When I first went to greet them, I could only see him around the corner. I gave him a "thank you for destroying my heart" hurt look, then looked to his right. There, a cute little woman stood. She was adorable! We were introduced, shook hands, & I chatted with her for about 10 minutes straight. We got a long well! To my surprise, it wasn't even awkward between us. I mean, it was just her & I pretty much talking. He paced behind her, much quieter than usual. My biggest relief was that the girlfriend didn't pick up any sort of vibes between me & him. And none were really given off, maybe in the end a bit, but nothing for her to worry about.

Now that I have a face to go with the girlfriend label, there is not a chance we can go for eachother. I cannot break that kind woman's heart! I wish the best for them both, as much as it breaks my own heart, I really want the two of them to be happy.

So thanks for letting me vent about the guy. There will be little of that from now on, since a line - or a brick barrier - has been put between us. It's for the best, for all three of us. I couldn't have gotten through it without you all. Just know that.

I went to the lake this weekend. It was my first full day out in the sun this month, which resulted in heat stroke. I was ill this morning, so I watched an Elizabeth Taylor movie instead of going to work, then cleaned & reorganized this afternoon. I'm ready for work tomorrow, I actually enjoy my job, can you believe it!

At the beach I wore a t shirt over my bikini top the entire time. There was no way I was about to show off my stomach! The shirt covered the top part of my arms as well. My top two problem areas. I am starting to work on them right now!

Today I went from feeling ill to feeling fabulous! That's right, I have my motivation back! Today is the first of a new month. For the first time in a long time I feel that I can commit to health! The food I gobbled back today was nourishing. I already mixed my overnight oats for the morning, & packed a healthy lunch for tomorrow. My friend & I will be scheduling tennis dates every week. I'll continue walking my dog every day. And (since I am literally broke - have zero dollars in the bank account - as everything, ironically, goes towards fundraising) I will be bicycling to work & back every day. It's a good -but doable - trek!

I wish you a month & many more of motivation! August is a wonderful time to exercise outside, enjoy nutritious fruit (I have fresh raspberries to pick tomorrow!), and just take in the beautiful sites. Take care of your stunning bodies & wear a smile until you feel it!

I adore you all!

I had a dream

about Mich & Cinnamon Brown. We ran into one another somewhere & you were both lovely, inside & out!

A special thanks to désespérée de maigrir for showing your concern, & I am doing okay.

This has probably been my longest break from blogger. My spring class ended, full time work began, fundraising for my volunteer exchange takes up time, & summer activities took over!

Those excuses are not good enough for me, though. Here is my main excuse: things have gotten complicated with the man & I feel bad for always taking up your time talking about it. I never know how much I should share & how much I should just deal with on my own.

I'll give you a summary (and recap that I've loved him for four years, he's about 30 years older than me & he has a common law girlfriend) : he's visited my work about three times this summer already & one of my fundraising events where he made a very kind donation. That's quite often, considering that I haven't seen most of my friends that many times this month! every minute with him has been fantastic with our compelling conversations & enjoyable laughs.

The second time he visited he told me his girlfriend was away for the night. At the end of our talk, he suggested that I come over & watch the football game or a movie I had just lent him ("Black Swan" of all fucking films! recall the teacher & girl relationship!). Of course I wanted to but I just can't do that to him & his relationship! So i said no quite unwillingly.

After my date with this other guy that evening, I spent my time in solitude. Getting super drunk, listening to Bob Seger underneath the stars, & chain smoking the night away. The following night was a repeat. There is nothing I want more than to spend the night with him, but I just cannot do that to him. I just cannot. It was painful.

So I am going to back track now. immediately after he had asked me to come over & then left my work, I panicked that my boss had heard him asking me out. I ended up telling my boss about how this teacher is my replacement father, yada yada yada, then we had a nice little discussion about the shitty father's we have had. it's my excuse that i tell other people for our close relationship. Being that my boss is a talker, I'm pretty sure he spoke to my man about the father replacement thing, since I had a day off & my man dropped by on that day too.

Well, the next time my man came to visit, he asked if he could bring his girlfriend to the museum. They would tour & I would finally meet her. I got pissed off, of course, but hid it & said that would be fine.

I do not want to meet her! of all people, she is going to be the one who would see how I feel about him. I am so nervous about this. I meet her in two days. What do I say? how do i act? what do i do? I am freaking out over this. one day he invites me over & the next he's bringing his girlfriend. i am so confused. what the hell am i too him? what is he thinking? Im freaking out. what do I do?

There, i just wrote a novel for you, after saying that i don't want to bother you all with my issues. i guess that's what happens when i take a break, I soon explode! thanks for listening that far if you did.

Body wise things have been horrible. I exercise maybe 30 mins a day, and usually even out to a NORMAL intake. a word we all despise, I am sure. A week and a half ago I went to the capital city for my friend's birthday & felt disgusting in every shopping mall mirror & window reflection I looked in. I always feel disgustingly fat in that city. i don't know what it is about that damn place. I am about the same weight as my friends, but I used to be pounds lighter! I cannot really vent to them about my body issues since I would be criticizing them as well, indirectly of course. I need to get on track with eating & exercise NOW blogger friends!

Thank you all for reading! i hope your July is going well. remember to enjoy the flowers & stars & sunrises, & even the rain! you are all gorgeous people. i adore each & every one of you!

Tossing the pills

I packed & studied & visited relatives (two from Australia hooray) this weekend. Wrote my final Monday & moved home. Went to get a Tuberculosis check Tuesday (came back non-significant, another good thing!), then started work Wednesday. I forgot how long the days are at the museum. I'll have to find some good books & writing ideas to make me a busy bee! I also went to grad. Of course one of my main thoughts was, when watching the ladies parade up and down the aisles in their floor length gowns, how fat I must have looked two years ago.

I have noticeable love handles, people. Especially with the shirt I'm wearing today. And guess who visited my work today? Yes, he saw my love handles (with my shirt on, don't get any crazy ideas haha!). We had a nice chat over tea & fruit. Anyway, I won't get more into that. I'll focus more on the weight thing this week, I've noticed my posts have strayed away from that!

So I tossed my diet pills. By now I'm sure some of you are shrieking & gasping, but this is a huge thing for me. There were only six in the container, but this means that I am going to lose weight as naturally as possible. I just needed to do something showy to symbolize this. A triumphant dunk of pills in the waste basket! It's like cutting the ribbon before a grand opening. I want the rest of summer to be healthy, healthy, healthy. Fruits, veggies, some nuts, tea, limited coffee, almond milk, no soda, some delicious whole grains, then I have to have a bit of egg whites otherwise I start losing my memory. And water!

I'm off for a vigorous walk with my dog! Nothing like quality time with a pet, while burning calories! Have a great July 1 (Canada Day!) or July 4 (Independence Day) or just a fabulous weekend! Stay lovely.

P.S. Woah almost didn't say. Got my mark back for the uni class I'd taken for the last 6 weeks. I got a fucking 79. Let's just say I'm drinking & dancing the night away. In solitude. Fuckk.

I'll have snap peas with a side of solitude

I was sick today, for two reasons:

1. lack of sleep - many forced late nights pouring my mind into my final term paper

2. allowed to be - my dad came back, now I am not solely caring for my Baba

I never realized how exhausting how exhausting it is to be a caregiver. My Baba has gone downhill drastically. Lately I've been making all of her meals, pulling up her pants after she goes to the washroom, taking off her stockings, getting up early to get her newspaper, lifting her feet into bed once or twice a night, checking on her every couple hours . . . this besides the usual dishes, cleaning, yard work, etc. 

Please do not take this the wrong way. She is not a burden in any way (as she claims to be) & I love that I have the opportunity to spend time with her. It is just tiring; mostly in a mental way, seeing how rapidly a person can deteriorate. She is such a strong willed person. But sometimes she'll cry at how frustrated she is with her worsened limbs, or sob over something someone said, & I just listen and feel sympathetic. But I cannot cry anymore, it's the strangest thing. I used to cry at everything! I'm either getting desensitized to this or have a heart made of rock. 

I teared up, however, when we read the final speech of The Tempest in my Shakespeare class. As Prospero gave up his magic, Shakespeare seems to give up his pen. After investing six intensive weeks in Shakespeare class, this is both a sad & satisfying ending. I suppose I have a little softness in this heart of mine, maybe a smudge of clay on it or something.

This will be my last class for 14 months. It feels good. As much as I like school, I need to leave it. I need to go help people & see the world. Just one more weekend of studying & I'll be home after my final on Monday! 

This week I ate so much food! I had a crepe (there is a crepe booth at uni, & for the past 2 years I've walked by it nearly every school day & resisted; I finally decided to cave in & try one, I'd say it was worth the wait), chocolate, & even pizza! Ahh. so. bad. And this morning I was still 129. I am pleased. For all this eating, I haven't budged! Although, this summer I have to get on track to good health. Thanks for your comments by the way, you're right, I'm going to work for health! 

Today I just wanted to be & eat alone, since my dad was here to take care of things. Snap peas were on sale today & I will be living off of them all weekend! I've forgotten how delicious those things are!

I tried a step class this week. It was the most intensive workout I've ever gone through! When I come back to uni, I'll make a schedule & take advantage of the classes at the gym (they're paid for in tuition!). I'm thinking yoga (as I've been doing regularly), step, zumba, spin . . . 

Back to the food thing, I even had a banana split! I went to a Passion Party; yes, little chaste me went to a sex toy party. How did I explain to my Baba where I was going? "I'm going out to my friend's little party. We're having ice cream, & she's selling lotion & candles & such. It's like Avon!" Definitely not Avon. It was interesting, & I think it's good to be open about learning about that sort of thing. We had to dress up our bananas (haha!) for the ice cream. I used what I had: leaves from a dying flower for a grass skirt & hazelnuts cut in half for the woman's chest, they came to be Tarzan & Jane. I tried to post a picture but it didn't work, you'll have to use your imagination.

Have a wonderful weekend, whether you're studying, working, relaxing or traveling! Good luck with fasts, healthy eating, & any exercise plans you have for yourself. And please take care of yourselves, you all deserve it. 

This is the final straw

I am giving myself one more week to consume small-regular amounts of healthy foods.

If I can not do this (instead continuing with the bingeing & eating of unhealthy foods) then it is time for a change. Then it is time to pull out the list of calories & fats from my mind & apply them to my days. Then it is time to restrict & restrict & restrict. Then it is time to lose & lose & lose.

Because I cannot stand the fat I see in the mirror.

I think part of the reason I am freaking out is because I told a friend about my eating problems. It was a brief & general explanation of a very deep issue, nevertheless, I told someone. I want to take it all back. That was my secret, my security blanket. And I robbed myself of it. It is only for my ears.

Thanks for the comments, ladies! It sounds like many of us have sleeping problems. Though many have found ways to cope, as your tips were wonderful! I am pleased to say I have slept much better these last three days. And Mich if I get to some art this summer, I will post it on blogger for sure!

Have a nice day!

I start going crazy right about now

It begins when I have my creativity back in motion. My mind starts racing with ideas for stories, art, drama. I centre on these ideas in class and while performing daily activities. I am most alert at night, for that is when the ideas truly come alive.

I have never been a big sleeper. For the past five years, I consider an early night to be any time before midnight. I average around six and a half hours a night, maybe add an extra hour for each day of the weekend. I can function alright on that. Though once I start falling bellow that mark, I start falling apart.

I become constantly tired. I am in that groggy state of awareness of being tired enough to lose functioning, though not exhausted enough to actually sleep. Sleep is so basic! A necessity! Why does my body & mind reject it?

I WANT to sleep. I follow suggestions - sleepy time tea, relaxation exercises, write your thoughts down before bed, limit caffeine throughout the day, have a good pillow, etc - but I lay awake at night! Do you have any suggestions to fall asleep?

The lack of sleep leads to a craving for energy. Since I am trying to limit my caffeine, my body begs for quick energy to come from carbs. The devil in dough form. I ate & ate & ate today. My hand finally reached into my the candy bowl upstairs, snuck a cookie, grabbed handfuls of crackers. This stops now.

My creativity not only interrupts my sleep, it makes me crave cigarettes like a mad man! I almost tackled a man with a cigarette, as I made my way back from uni this morning. I may have limited control over sleep, however, I can resist those cigarettes! As well as those dangerous carbs.

Looking at this in positive light, at least I have my creativity back :) And thank ya for stopping by Brixy, have a fantastic day!