The Epic Conscience vs. Id

Part 1: A sentence that stands alone

Ok on Wed. I went to the school & spent over an hour with him, mostly alone in his classroom since I came just before school ended for the day. And not kidding, I spent 7 hours the day before baking for him, & wrapped all the goodies in a lovely gift tin. So we shared some of those (yes, I've been eating  a load lately), & had a good chat. Then he asked if he could take me for a drink the next day.

I met him the next day. The best conversation I have ever had. We talked about everything, nonstop, it was incredible as usual, but even more so this time. T.S. Eliot and Rome and iPods, etc. Seventy-five minutes & two drinks later (I just had one with alcohol & the other without, he had two with) we wandered outside.

As the sky darkened to a lovely winter blue, and as the christmas lights flickered on around us, he asked if we could HUG.

We might as well have had sex in the middle of the street, the way my town talks.

I've never seen him touch another student. With me, I've had a jokey punch in the arm from him, an "intimate" (haha not kidding) brush on his palm when grabbing an eraser, & many handshakes, some held on to a little too long.

A hug. That is a different story. It felt so natural. There we stood, two people having no clue as to how the other thinks of them.

Then he told me "You always make my day brighter; you have no idea"

And I thought No, my friend, you have no idea.

I realize that sentence stands alone for you all. And I'm not sure if the end trailed, or was connected to the first part. Before you move on to part two, if you have any clue as to what it means, please let me know. I would like some objective thoughts, rather than the cobweb mess of my interpretations. Think about that if you will.


Part 2: Cobweb Interpretations (I've had a couple of drinks while writing this, so excuse the nonsense)

I am so confused. First of all..what the fuck was I thinking?

First of all, I told my Mom I went for a drink with him. Ahh could I have been more STUPID? Am I eight years old? I mean, of course she's going to find out, that's a given the way my town talks (I knew at least a third of the people in the bar, my Mom definitely would have heard something). But I could have made something up. Like we just sat for a couple of minutes. Ahh. So stupid.

She was angry, saying I shouldn't go with a married (common law) man. Um, is it that obvious that I'm in love with him? I told her, ew (not), he's Dad's age & I clarified to my mom that drinking is all people do in this town. Supplying evidence even, two women my teacher's age want to take me drinking too (a boss and a neighbor), so I made it seem like any other daily thing that happened.

Moving on from my stupidity, to more of it.

Here I am, a dream come true. Literally, I used to dream about having a cup of coffee with him. But drinks & a hug! Woah.

I did so well talking to him. I know this sounds dumb but I'm sort of introverted, so for me to have a good conversation is just fantastic. He's one of the few people I consistently can talk to relaxed, so it went really well.

I went there, consciously thinking "Ok, going to the bar as friends, just act like that." And of course I looked at him from where I was sitting, thinking how gorgeous he looked. But as soon as we hug & he says that sentence, it's like I force my feelings away. Here is an opportune moment. Here is the chance to tell him how I feel, but what do I do? I only tell him how it's always wonderful to see him. ARGHH.

My fucking conscience, superego, Mother Teresa Mechanism. Whatever you call it. I hate it right now. It strips me of my feelings and instead says, think of:
(a) him
(b) his girlfriend
Them.

Part of me thinks, "You did the right thing" (not hopping on him, kissing him & declaring my feelings).

My Id, on the other hand, the pleasure principle, thinks "Uggh, girl, you've held back for so long & there was a moment to let it all out!"

Three drinks. And I am sure I would have.

The moment is gone. I think back to it. Play it in my mind. What I could have said. Honestly, it usually ends the way it does in reality. I cannot compromise his girlfriend situation. She sounds good for him, & I could never do that to her. I'm not that girl. When I have a guy, I want to argue about every day nuisances, help pay this bills, & of course have the passion. I can't just have the latter, I want it all. As shitty as the rest of it is, it's part of it.


As for what he said. Have I been fucking BLIND? I mean, here is a guy, who did special things for me when I was in school, brought me special things, visits me outside of school, takes me for drinks, hugs me. I see the way he looks at me. Here I thought, I was the only one who loved. Now I'm not so sure. What do you guys think?

I only know how to deal with unrequited love. This possibility of returned love, it leaves me speechless. Literally; I never imagined myself capable of being loved. I wish I could just tell him. I really do. But how can I do that to him and his girlfriend?

Ahh I'm so confused! Am I allowed to tell him? I don't know what to do about all this.

Here I am. Back in the city. Face blotchy from tears, breath smelling of alcohol. Thinking of him. The usual. In my mind, the scene plays over and over again. The two of us connected.

P.S. I have listened to the "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac nonstop since that day. A stunning song. Check out the insightful interpretation by Canda http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/13243/ I like the part "and it all comes down to you" Enjoy the song I recommend it.

You are all so amazing!