P.E.I., Pumpkin Bread, & Him

Thanks for being excited about my trip! It makes me even MORE enthusiastic about it. The first half of the trip will not be in NF, instead it will be, as Cinnamon Brown guessed, in Prince Edward Island. I am thrilled about that. I have never been there, but it sounds like my kind of place. Romantic & beautiful, & who doesn't adore Anne of Green Gables, right? Mich, it looks like I'll be working with children & sports, trying to get them to participate more in the community. I'm super excited to be with kids, I worked at a day care for 3 years & I've grown up around a younger brother & countless tiny cousins, so I'm very comfortable around them.

Anyway, I'm really trying to do this healthy thing, but it's so difficult! I get 5.5-6.5 hours of sleep every night. Grr. If I could only get 7! There are too many amazing things to do, & when I lie in bed, there are too many incredible things to think of. This weekend I WILL start getting 7 hours of sleep a night.

Also this weekend, I am just munching on fruits & vegetables. I need to clear out my system. I borrowed this idea from the lovely Amber. Exercise-wise, I've been doing great with cardio, but need to start including more strength training! It's time to get my ballet shoes on & pump a few light weights!

Yesterday I made pumpkin bread. I took it out of the oven, let it cool as I had a refreshing shower, then took a moderate slice. Bit into it. Uggh. It did not bake through! From the outside it looked fine, the inside though was like pumpkin pie filling. What a waste. Being Ukrainian, however, I do not waste (sorry, stereotype, but I'm Ukrainian so I'm picking on myself here). And so I ate more. Then more. And before I know it, within two days 2/3 of the loaf is gone. I don't even really care for the flavor of it & certainly not for the texture. I think it's one of those "familiarity" things. The more you have, the more you don't mind it because you become accustomed to it. Anyway, no more pumpkin bread for me!

So. Over a week ago, I went to see him. If you are new to my blog & would like to be shocked by my uncontrollable & naive feelings, feel free to read parts 1 & 2 of "About a Teacher" & "The Epic Conscience" in my December posts. I wrote the following over the course of a few days. You may realize conflicting points of view, that's because my p.o.v. changes ohh, about every 45 seconds on this matter of every day. At certain times of certain days, however, this is what I wrote:

I visited him. I’m really wanting to travel back in time to redo those days, I was such a mess. I went on Wednesday, looking great & feeling excited. He was too, except that he had a meeting right when I came, & I said I would visit the next day. I felt uncomfortable being in that school. For the first time since I graduated 2 years ago, I just didn’t want to be there. Except for in his presence, I felt unwanted there. I went with a friend & the other teachers looked at us like “We’ve moved on, why haven’t you?” I just wanted to leave.

That unwelcome atmosphere lingered in the school when I visited the following day. It was absolutely grey & rainy out, & I was in a horrible mood. I entered the school & immediately wanted to leave. I just felt sad, & over high school, & just in a downright horrid temper. Usually nothing makes my day better than seeing him, but even that didn’t cheer me up too much. If only I could control my emotions! I wandered around his art room for sometime, probably scaring his students by asking them questions & mindlessly walking around, while waiting for him to return from another place in the school. I was a nervous wreck & had a fast-paced conversation with this random kid. That place is my favourite room in the entire world, & all I could think was how badly I wanted to leave. I tried to make myself appreciate it. I ran my hand across the cupboards, looked to the leaky ceiling, studied the art works. Three-hundred-sixty-five days of the year I want to be in that position, return to that room. And the day I was there I wanted be elsewhere. I think it’s the fact that I know I’ll have to leave. And it was a day I just wanted out of my head.

I noticed there were no windows in his room. I needed to breathe. Or have a new perspective. Or not be in a place that reminded me of the person I used to be.

He came in, we had pieces of a conversation. My wandering around the room continued as he answered his students’ questions. This day leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I was a disaster. I wanted to wrap my arms around him since I love him. I wanted to hit him because I hate the fact I cannot stop loving him. That last one’s a lie. I am the only one I want to hit. It isn’t his fault he is the most incredible person I have ever met, or that I cannot stop wanting him. And all of the things that went wrong were initiated by me. 

After I went to see another teacher who wasn’t there any way, we met in the library, then sauntered up to his classroom. I had good chats with the librarian & another teacher in his presence, but with him there was this weird air. I put it there, it wasn’t him. There is so much to say, & it seems there is no way to go about it.

He told me things he had done or pieces of conversations he’d had since the last time I saw him, that reminded him of me. He brought me two Cliff notes books to help with my class. He asked questions, told stories, carried on the conversation from months ago. And I sat there, listening, occasionally contributing, & in the back of my mind wondering what I am to him. I did every thing wrong, except for one thing he did:

I told him about my upcoming volunteering adventure. Maybe because he values education & sees it as too big of an interruption in mine, or maybe for some other reason, he was not happy with the news. Surprised, yes. Excited, no. Even the adults who think it’s the most ridiculous thing I could possibly do ask questions. He hardly did. I gave the details of the length I’d be gone & the places I would go. All he said was that he couldn’t leave home for too long, he gets antsy when he’s away from his house & his beloved pets. Then stupid me replies, “I guess I’m not really attached to anything.” I say this to the person I am most attached to. The person who is tied to every thought, every action, every moment. What a ridiculous thing to say. The conversation changed quickly.

The other thing that threw me off was when we said our byes & he mentioned “Say hi to your mom.” What. The. Fuck. So they’ve known each other since my mom moved to town 20 years ago, & they have ran into each other quite often because they’re both involved with the arts. But really? That really confused me. I’m thinking he was either serious, or mocking me (maybe my mom told him she was uncomfortable with him taking me out), or something of the like. That one really got to me. Please explain that one! This supports the whole, he sees me as a daughter thing, point of view.

Before this, as we were wrapping up the talk in his classroom, he asked if I wanted to go out. I said no since I had to get to the cop station before it closed. A dumb excuse. But I’m glad I said it, because I wasn’t in good spirits & probably would have made more of a disaster out of it. At least I went to see him. He said he would come visit me at work this summer, like he has the past couple of years. I’m counting down the days! 

This time I am going to be in a good mood. I’ll be ready for a great conversation. I’ll be in my regular cheerful spirits. I’ll entertain & be charming & be fun. I can make up for this. That other day I was off, messed up, only because I’m angry with what I feel. I’m hoping he didn’t think I was too low in my mood, most times I’ll apologize to people if I was grumpy one day & they will think I was my regular self, maybe just a little down. 

In general though, I need an explanation from myself. But you know what? I cannot control what I feel, trust me I’ve tried, so I just have to feel it. I can only appreciate the time I have with him.

I’m sorry this post is all over the place. It’s been written on three different days, & I’ve changed my perspectives on this every day, numerous times each day. Today I feel ok about it, since he asked me out even with my crazy temper, so I couldn’t have been that awful to be around. And today I’m getting the daughter vibe. I’ll be ok with that. As long as we keep up with some sort of relationship (although that would take some getting used to for myself).

Something has to be said before I leave for my volunteering adventure, though. I mean, either way, if he sees me as a daughter or something else, something has to be acknowledged. I’ve been playing in this murky water for about 4 years now. It’s time for this. I know I can’t go right out & say it, but I’m sure our visit(s - hopefully!) and our “bye” will bring something up. At least I could say that I’ll miss him. Like I do every day. 

If you read all the way to here, thanks so much!