A Failed Attempt

I haven't posted in a handful of days. I did something rather radical for our circle of blogs. Something that is practically unheard of. I attempted at normalcy. And then I failed.

I thought I was capable of eating like most people - have a good breakfast, a good lunch, a good dinner, snacks throughout the day, no growling stomachs, no binges.

I figured eating enough in the first half of the day would be enough reason to not stray towards overeating.

I actually had to look up what normal North Americans eat for breakfast. For as long as I can remember I've only allowed myself one breakfast item (dry cereal or fruit or oatmeal). I hadn't had a sandwich for lunch at school since grade 9, so I decided to give it a try. I ate and ate nice healthy portions all throughout the day, like most people.

My stomach full, not bulging yet, and my night class came around. My stomach started growling. I wanted to punch it. HOW COULD IT BE GROWLING? I had fed it ALL day long, what a greedy bitch, to be making those sounds (at night, my time where the lights flicker "Binge"). So of course I binged once I got home.

I can't do normal. I relished the wonderful growl before I would feed it at noon. I binged with the sight of new groceries in the evening, even though I promised myself I could have anything for breakfast. And once I started eating, I couldn't stop. Normalcy does not work. At least if I go through the horrid cycle of starving by day & bingeing by night (which, I would adore to break because I hate bingeing at all), I'm still saving calories rather than eating all day & bingeing at night.

And now my cupboards are spilling with half a block of cheese (yes, I ate half of a block in two days), bread (which is unheard of in my suite), and peanut butter. I didn't go crazy and buy cookies and chips or anything, but still this food is fattening.

Fortunately I walked to school everyday & back a couple of times too, went to ballet, & to the gym a couple of times. The next four days will be devoted to the gym.

I finally got my time at home. I didn't go last weekend, but here I am now, home. It is needed.

I had a happy day, yesterday, or rather a manic one. My confidence was sky high, I had rapid conversations with everyone, everything moved at a swift pace, the sun was a cruel and wonderfully piercing, I hardly slept & woke up refreshed this morning, my mind danced around elaborating on ideas for poems and papers. I adore those moments, where the creativity fires at all angles, it is fragile, but there. I haven't had one of those days in ages, it was due with the sadness yanking on my mind. I anticipated a crash, but it luckily never came. The excitement sort of just faded away luckily, or not perhaps. Imagine always living like that? That delicate excitement. What would that be like? For me it doesn't last more than maybe two days.

I'm not sure what to do. I want to be thin, yes. My moods, my patterns, they're so unpredictable. Do I need strict structure? Or is that the wrong way to go about this, perhaps a bit of lenience would be less of a persuasion to rebel from? I just want to be thin.

I hope everyone else is stable today.

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My professor said, "Nowadays, what do we have to worry about? Nothing. Therefore, everything."

How very true is that. With no huge issue to focus on, everything can fall apart without any reason. His honesty is blinding like the sun.