Guess who attacked these last two nights?

The binge monster!!

Before I begin, thank you for the comments Tali, Ariana, and VictoriaCrimson. I'm glad I could entertain you with my fainting story, I always laugh my ass off when telling it, but psychologists don't find it too funny. I told my counselor about it today, among other things. I'm so glad I opened up like you ladies suggested, I feel so relieved and happy after talking to her. She liked the gift (Tim Horton's at uni doesn't sell gift certificates, so I bought her a travel mug which she needed, and gave her a thank you card). She is so amazing, I'm so fortunate to have someone to talk to & I hope everyone in this blog circle does too. If not, I'm willing to listen...or type through email. Ariana, sorry to hear about your professor-crying incident. I get like that too, it's just something we have to fight. I'm sure he didn't think you were weird, he expects students to react like that to someone of intellectual superiority (seriously, profs are on another level of human, I think they're incredible).
I won't shouldn't be blogging much this week, I have a midterm Wednesday and a 12 page Term Paper Friday (about media & eating disorders, at least it will keep me alert). Maybe just calorie and weight updates. Of interest, my relative was on the news so I was watching that, and before she was on there was a segment about the "anti-obesity claim influencing childhood eating disorders." Since 1999 there has been a 119% increase in children 12 and under being treated for eating disorders! I hope none of you have been battling your eating disorder for that long! Those poor kids.

Ahh :( I was doing so well. 125.2 lbs Saturday and 125.0 lbs Sunday. I would have met my November goal.

I raised my weekend intakes to 800 calories a day max. I had 798 Saturday, and even schemed my way out of fattening foods at that night's big family supper. For Sunday's breakfast I had 7 almonds (49) & orange (45); for lunch I had coffee with calorie free sweetener (that stuff made me bounce off the walls!!), 7 crackers (90), cheese string (60) & a small tomato with oregano (16); then dinner: adklfjdjfdkfjkad.

See, Americans have the Superbowl & Canada has the Grey Cup. Sunday was the big game night, where 19 friends went to my friend's place, each bringing FOOD and alcohol. I watched upstairs with only 6 of us there, and for most of the night I drank loads of water (probably 6 or 7 glasses), had one pina colada & munched on veggies with no dip, & shrimp with a bit of cocktail sauce. One girl brought those incredibly fake cupcakes I haven't eaten since grade 6 (but have secretly always wanted to binge my face out on a dozen of them) & I knew I would have to have one since she brought the exact amount for everyone upstairs. I was dreading this, but knew I would be under 800 so everything would be ok.

Then someone passed a bowl around, I thought I was reaching for a tortilla chip, instead I pulled out a fried battered chicken ball and popped it in my mouth. I fell apart. That messed everything up. I had no idea how many calories. Suddenly my numbers of food items were complicated.

With my eating behaviours I have this sort of "impulse control" aspect tied into it. I can't explain how it works, my mind hardly understands it, and it fluctuates week by week, sometimes shorter periods and sometimes longer periods. All I can say about it is that if I follow the controlled numbers, everything is in order and is ok and is safe. If I mess it up, then everything unravels. I guess it's the aspect that fuels this disordered eating of mine (I am not saying I have an "eating disorder", only recognizing that I have "disordered eating habits").

My numbers unravelled and I came apart. More vegetables. More shrimp. More tortilla chips. More salsa. Tried some spinach dip. Luckily the Taco Time fries, the chicken wings, and the pizza (foods I had avoided before) were gone.

I would have still been under at this time. Then I went home, and talking to my Grandmomma, I shoved chocolate covered raisins & peanuts & almonds in my mouth, tried a piece of her banana bread and a square she had baked (I had avoided both for the days before, even with their freshly baked scents wafting to my room). Then went downstairs. I had my five grain crackers, which I poured salt on. Chewed and swallowed. Then slathered low calorie and low fat margarine on more crackers, poured sugar and sprinkled cinnamon on top. I devoured them all. Then mashed a banana, poured sugar and flour and cinnamon in a bowl with them, along with some nuts (I had to get creative, I seriously have no binge food in my basement luckily), make-do banana muffin batter.

Ate it all.

Today I'd only had 210 calories before supper. And after supper (salad, vegetables, smallest amount of meet, then basically potatoes in bread - it set me off)  I had dessert. Then more dessert. Then some more dessert. Then a bowl of Fibre One cereal. Then some nuts. Then I dangerously made muffins (for my relative who's mom, my great aunt who I never really new, died). I licked the bowl of course, and had some more desserts and chocolates and candy when going upstairs.

The numbers are still not right. I try to eat, to make them go into place, to make that security and that ok feeling come back. It doesn't. The more I eat, the more unravelled things become.

I cannot vomit with people in the house. Laxatives will have to do. Then sleeping on a full, bloated stomach.

I hope your numbers or whatever makes you feel safe are in place for you.