My Last Binge

At the moment I am stuffing my fat face with a whole wheat tortilla, smothered in margarine, and covered with sugar and cinnamon. Random, I know, but I've had to get creative. I've taken the liberty to buy no more junk food (and peanut butter, my number one weakness) so my binges typically range from whole wheat crackers and part skim mozzarella cheese to Wheat Squares and skim milk.

For the past three years I've wandered between being healthy and being sick, and on that last note, from bingeing (with the occasional purge) to restricting. I love food; its mouthwatering, delicious, nourishing qualities. I hate food; its repulsive, FATtening, insatiable aspect.

I choose to be thin. Or rather, I have the absolute drive and desire to be thin.

Last year, after living with my Grandmother for 8 months and being painfully aware of the "freshman 15" I restricted, restricted, restricted, when I wasn't eating with her. After 8 months of that, came 4 months of bingeing. Ten pounds later here I am, somewhere between 5'7" and 5'8" I plod at a looming size of around 130 pounds! Or approximately as I abandoned my scale, my friend and enemy in one neat little digital compartment, at home. Within a week I'll know exactly where I weigh.

And so it begins. Rather than starting off on an extreme note, I've decided to take a much more gradual route. I have given myself seven months to go from 130 pounds to 110 (potentially lower). Instead of the usual one month deadline. I have given myself a huge extension to make sure I stay that low. It will start off easy. October will be the month of balance, trying to fill myself enough so I'm not restricting and therefore preventing myself from the vulgar obsession of bingeing. I will stay within the healthy range of 1200-1500 calories, watching my fat intake. This will be such a change from my usual records of calorie counting, where my days consisted of, at most 800, most often looming between 200-400 a day.

I walk almost every day as it is, and will begin to include cardio, weights, and perhaps some yoga to give that fulfilling aspect to my days. Leg lifts, sit ups, push ups.

After a wild September of nothing but partying and caloric drinking, I want to have my fun but keep it in perspective. I need good grades, at least 80's to get anywhere in my uni department. This means no more wasted alone time of "Sex and the City" reruns and mindless thinking. When I'm out with friends I'll have my fun. When I'm alone I'll cram in studying like there's no tomorrow. Balance. The objective of the first month.

By the end of the 7 month period my exercise should be upped to at least an hour a day, my calories below 900, and my weight far below the healthy range. I need gradual time to get there. Too often I jump in to the icy lifestyle of restrictions only to jump back into the searing grip of bingeing. Eventually, I will get to the point where my lust for food no longer holds me at gunpoint. For my love is hunger.