Today I had about 5 glasses of water and a 60 min walk (by walk I mean some intense strutting, none of that slow dawdling pace)
Total Kcal: 1276
Total Fat: 24 g
Ok. So I may have had a bit more than that. I felt the need to get rid of all the bad food in my kitchen. This includes yesterday and today, and I now have a garbage bag full of an empty cake box, yogurt covered raisins, whole wheat crackers box, tortilla chip bag, chocolate chip bag, bread bag. Notice the words "box" and "bag." Being that I'm half Ukrainian, it is in my blood to never waste, so I felt the need to actually eat the fucking food before throwing out the bags. It must be in my blood to devour anything too. Fuck. The good news is that the daunting foods are gone and I can breathe easily. The only things I am allowed to buy are fruits & veggies, whole wheat crackers, & yogurt & milk. I would love to throw up quietly, but I am so loud when I puke :( If I have another binge, I must choose one of the following:
1. Throw up
2. Laxatives
3. <500 calories per day for a week
4. Extra 3 hours of exercise that week
5. Red River cereal for a month's breakfast
I would probably go by that order too. Try anything as long as it works. I just want to get this bingeing under control.
I don't know why I abuse my body as I do. At the moment I'm not depriving it, so at least that's a step in the right direction, although I would love to have the power back from the deprivation days. I have a fabulous life. I have wonderful parents, friends, great experiences, a supported education, I live in free country, I am generally healthy. Life is good. Its great.
Yet here I am, stuffing my face. What is the emptiness I am trying to fill?
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