Strength

I feel stronger now. The need to be thin is coming back. Now that midterms are over I can focus on it :)

Update
Yesterday Total kcal: 1490 (600 were spent on stupid trail mix)
                          Fat:   55g (36 on those beloved nuts)


Today Total kcal: 1194 (slowly getting better)
                     Fat: 32 g

It is nice, and human, to feel emotion and actually express it. Because of this I've gotten in fights with my friends for the first time in my life these past few months, and it's honestly a constructive learning experience. I'm really upset with my one best friend. She was valedictorian in my class and tries to act all nonchalant about it, but indirectly makes it seem like a big deal. Seriously, though, she ended ONE PERCENT higher than me in high school. And because I slacked off a bit in Chem and Physics in grade 11, my mark was point-something away from being part of my university (name of organization, basically an honors group taken from grade 11 marks) society. She's tutoring now and said, "These high school kids are getting great tutors from the university, I mean, they're not getting just any normal college students, they're getting university ____ society members." Come on. There are countless other examples of how much smarter she says she is. I'm one percent bellow her high school average, less than a point from being part of that society, and I'm also on the Dean's List for marks at university. I love my friend to pieces, but does she have to emphasize every fraction of a mark??

Monday was a funny day in my Stats class. The example we did consisted of a chart with numbers representing "skipped meals" and "diet days." The homework assignment was about an "all you can eat restaurant." Such contrasts. Haha. I would thrive in the latter.

Today I saw my new counsellor again. I had been going last year to this really nice woman for a small problem, and I called after the "incident" to see her, but she is on leave for a couple of months. Ok, the incident. I'm just going to say it because it's really not a big deal anymore. I mean, I think it's the reason I started bingeing again (it ate at me, so I ate at something), but now realize how fortunate I am.
I got date rape drugged at a bar.
It's a long story, but basically I have no memory of the night, and for awhile I wasn't sure if anything happened, because victims of the particular drug often have no memory of the assaults. I had trouble sleeping, and still felt taken advantage of, even if it was just of my consciousness. I don't think anything serious happened, so I've put that in my mind. I now see how fortunate I am because I came close to such a detrimental incident.
Anyway, my family and friends said I should talk to my counsellor from last year. I gave a call and yeah basically found out my regular counsellor isn't in, but said I was willing to talk to someone else. I went to the counselling office a couple weeks ago. I just sort of assumed they would place me with a woman. Stupid me. Imagine the look on my face when I saw I had to talk about rape with an older man!! Haha. He couldn't even say the word. "Date ___ Drug" he called it. He's a nice enough guy, talks a bit too much in therapy I would say, but I guess that's his approach. My next session (todays) was about me finding something to focus on in life (questions from the previous session lead to that).
I went today. And I could tell him some of the things I want always to be part of my life... family, friends, helping people, writing, art, travelling, psychology. That's all great. But how do I say the rest?

What about the fact that before anything I need to be THIN. What about the fact, that I feel some nights I may just hop on a plane and disappear from the face of the country? What about my need to be like my idols (like Edie Sedgwick, Angelina Jolie) and just be rebellious for once, a period of sex and drugs and everything in between? What about the reality that I just want a break from the expectations of everyone I know and society? What if I need a moment to not be me?

I left the room, with instructions to write a vision statement for what I want. I'll share it with you once I know. It's going to be honest and I'll also tell it to him. I feel someone should know, in order to make my thoughts a reality. I probably will not return to him after that anyway.

Counsellors make me so nervous. I either spill out too much information or say nothing compelling. I left a trail or nervously picked off gold nail polish on his chair.