People say “deal with it.”
I am a psychology major and I don’t know what the fuck that means.
At the very least, I know my defense mechanisms. Undoing (biting fingernails), sublimation (delving into art & writing), focusing on school.
I know the last one sounds ridiculous, but it is the one I am most afraid of. It branches into other areas as well, most notably, the weight issue.
I begin shutting myself out from anything but studying. The library, the kitchen table become my homes. People begin to wonder where I have gone to, especially my new September party friends from this year. I am averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night. Usually when I get into this intense study mode, I just can’t fall asleep when I roll into bed after studying until midnight or 1. Now I am also wide awake at 5 or 6, unable to shut out the world as my body so needs me to.
Everything begins to rely on my impossibly high standards. When I cannot meet them, that is when everything starts falling apart.
The two things and numbers I can control: marks and weight. The two things that can: never be high enough and never be low enough. Never enough.
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