Ariana - "Wintergirls" is amazing! I love finding a book that I can't put down. And the restricting until dinner is going great, it's something I'm actually obeying. And you won't be stuck at your weight forever, you have lots of willpower and determination to change that. I know you can do it, just try to be as healthy as you can!! (I really don't like promoting strange eating habits, and that's definitely not what I'm trying to do, but I'm just noting my habits that allow me to breathe at the end of the day. And, unfortunately, one of those is restricting).
Helen - I'm glad you liked "Wintergirls" too! What an amazing writer Anderson is. Good luck on your midterm!!
Yay, I'm out of the 130s!!
Day 2:
Oct 22 Dinner = pomegranate, Dr Pepper diet = 53
Snack = 1 c. skim milk = 90
Oct 23 BF = pear, black coffee = 80
L = carrots, 1/2 tomato, celery, mustard = 67
Snack = coffee with milk, raspberry fat free gelato = 150
Total Kcal = 440
Minus fruit & veggies = 240
I haven't been keeping up with noting my exercise. Most days I walk 20 mins, yesterday was a lot more. Today I did my brisk walk, along with cleaning the house for over an hour, so vacuuming and sweeping and all that fun stuff. I drank 10 glasses of water so far.
I went out for coffee & dessert with a couple of friends today, as you can see from my snack. The one got toffee cheesecake, the other got lemon torte AND Oreo cheesecake, and I got fat free raspberry gelato. I was good with my low calorie dessert, very tasty! I hadn't seen the lemon&oreo friend since September, so it was nice to catch up.. we're sort of extreme now, her with her partying and me with my studying. My toffee friend (also the one who chats up her marks) remarked at how well she is at balancing the two activities. I should just add here, I never realized before I started writing to you guys that I have an issue with this "toffee friend." I never would have guessed I had any problems with her, but my writing is definitely highlighting them. Funny, isn't it. I would love to have balance. But I can't. Not with anything. I either have to party hard or study hard, I'm sober or I'm drunk out of my mind, I love something or I hate something, I'm too thin (until I was 16) or I'm too fat (now), admire angelic people or rebels, binge or starve. I starve to make myself beautiful for men, so they will love me. I starve to make myself childlike for men, so they will not hurt me. October was supposed to be my month of balance. Haha, that didn't happen by a long shot.
That whole drug thing that happened in September has really messed me up. I probably wrote this a number of times already, but I throw on a smile and try to believe it. I say I lucked out because nothing happened (I think) and that I learned a lesson blah blah blah. Family believes it. Friends believe. The counsellor believes it. I don't believe it. Last night I was absolutely terrified of my room suddenly. I dragged my pillow and three quilts to the couch, made a tent like canopy and huddled under there, eventually falling asleep. Ohh, might I add that I locked my suite door, which I never do because I live with my Grandma, and slept with my teddy bear! What the fuck? I'm 19 and sleeping with a toy. I was so scared though, all of a sudden, that it seemed rational to be protected by a soft animal. Ahh. I sort of had a decent sleep at least. Woke up early as usual, but then fell asleep for an extra hour.
So the "lemon&oreo friend" wonders why I disappeared off the face of the planet. Well there it is. I say it's midterms, but that isn't accurate completely. Sure, I've been studying, but honestly my mind has been elsewhere. My mind has been on this. Consciously I think "this" is no big deal. Unconsciously I know it is.
Yesterday I thought of something interesting. Probability (let's just say, stats influences this one).
There is a role of the dice, a chance with the cards; always a question of cost-benefit. Thin outweighs everything.
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