Overdose on Food

I am a filthy, disgusting, vile creature. I just devoured my hugest binge.

My night class ended early and on instinct I stayed on the bus longer than usual and got off on the busy business street. There I was, in the dark and windy night, walking blocks to get my greedy tongue on large fries and a flurry from Wendy's. I am not a lover of fast food. We never even had McDonald's in my hometown, and when I was a kid the only fast food I got was DQ ice cream at base ball games or my once-a-year school dance recital. Why I NEEDED grease and cream tonight is beyond me. Prior to that I walked blocks in the opposite direction to get veggies, fruit, & laxatives.

Have I painted you a lovely picture?

After picking up puffed wheat cake at the gas station (uggh, I never knew anyone actually ate those desserts from there ... now I do), I trekked home. I probably walked for an hour and a half today, most of it in the name of food. I sat my already fat ass down, turned on Desperate Housewives and gorged. I needed to fill myself. Fries, ketchup, water, fries, ketchup, water, puffed wheat cake, water, puffed wheat cake, water, ice cream flurry, water, ice cream flurry, water.

137.2

I vomited maybe half of the ice cream, its sickening cold sweetness reliving the travel in my throat (Grandmomma was gone). Swallowed a couple laxatives. And packed my gym clothes for tomorrow, with intentions of running until I am sick. I need to empty myself.

I am exhausted now. My eyes burn from vomit tears. My throat scratches. My stomach's swollen. My mind worn from the deserved guilt and criticism. My body drained from the cruel and terrible things I have done to it.

My suite smells of french fries; a cover of perfume, a mask of Febreeze. My body is infested with grease and cream and unnecessary sums of calories; some gone, some racing their way out.

To make matters worse, I am doing horrible in school. Such a contrast to my last post. So far the midterm marks I've received are 70 and 77. Seventies. I do not know what to do with that number. I have been marked with 80's and 90's and nothing below that. I guess this is payback for my wild September. Or my sleepless nights & distracted thoughts since that night.

That night. Tomorrow it will be exactly one month.

I am joining a brilliant diet with blogger, Ariana. It will be nearly impossible to stay under those calorie maximums, with my Grandmomma's love for cream and butter, but I'll make it up with extra cardio. For breakfast and lunch, the meals I control, I plan to only eat fruits and vegetables. I already tied the carb cupboard door shut for the time being, I hope this diet works out. Even if I only made it to 30 days, hell, even 10, that would be an accomplishment. I need this. Especially after tonight.

I feel so empty and full and inadequate and lost and not enough.

I hope that none of you has ever felt like this, nor will ever feel like this. I wish that you never have the impulse to fill your emptiness with insatiable food, that you never have to punish your body for the natural act of eating, that 70's are enough, that this world is enough, that you are enough.