Tuesday

Ok so I did really well today. Until Grandmomma's supper. Until the clock struck dinner time, I had 613 calories & 18 g fat (including a serving of nuts, that's why it's pretty high). But supper include potato pancakes (argh 408 calories and 22.4 g fat for two!!). Plus her rhubarb cake. Then I had made a salad (which was most of my meal). Ahh not good.

Besides my milk tonight, I'm not eating anything else.

Total Kcal: 1426 :( including the milk
Total Fat: 48.7 g

Then 5 glasses water (which will be 8 by the end of the night). 20 min walk. Not good. My totals reflect a binge day. I am a FAT girl and it's no wonder why.

P.S. Adding onto this post since I already posted twice today.

I am a repulsive, vulgar, gross person! I have no control at all :( Seriously, where did the days of 200-400 calories go? Here I am, letting myself have a disgusting, over 1000 calories and I still find reason to binge! wtf :(

My aunt had left black forest cake and a slice of pumpkin pie in my fridge and I devoured them both in less than 30 seconds! I meant to sprinkle "Comet" cleaner on them and toss them in the garbage, but NO, I had to eat them instead. I started to shove a toothbrush down my throat as the bath water ran, but my grandmomma is upstairs and I just can't purge when someone's in the house.

You followers (3, thank you so much!) probably think this blog is hilarious. Written by a girl with as much control as a 500 pound woman.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought this gradual descent into a diet would be the perfect solution to my FAT but it isn't working. Should I just restrict, restrict, restrict? Fast? This normal eating thing is apparently not working.

I'm not sure what to do, but I'm going to start figuring it out by punishing myself for the binges. For the next three breakfasts I'm having Red River cereal..... it's low in calories, tastes like shit, and makes me shit. I'll get all this crap out of my body and somehow get a new plan in motion.

How many times before a restart becomes an actual success? I just want my control back. That is all I'm asking for.